Difficult conversation:

1. What happened

The Truth assumption

The intention assumption

The blame frame

2. The feeling conversation,

3. The identity conversation

What does it say about me? Keep your balance

Shift to a learning stance

In what happened conversation

1. Stop arguing about who’s right, explore each other’s story

·         Why we argue and why it doesn’t help: we think they are the problem, they think we are. We each make sense in our story of what happened. Arguing blocks us from learning each other’s story. Arguing without understanding is unpersuasive.

·         Different stories, Why we each see the world differently

a) we have different information: we notice different things, we each know ourselves better than anyone else can.

b) We have different interpretations: We are influence by past experience, we apply different implicit rules

c) Our conclusions reflect self-interest

(What happened, our observation, our interpretation, our conclusion)

·         Move from certainty to curiosity

·         Embrace both stories: adopt the “and stance”

·         Two exceptions that aren’t: I really am right, giving bad news. (proving you are right won’t get you too far. What may help is that the impact on you, further to understand their story, why they deny, what gets in the way.

·         To move forward, first understand where you are

2. Don’t assume they meant it: disentangle intent from impact

·         Two key mistakes:

1^st: our assumptions about intentions are often wrong: we assume intention based on impact on us, and we assume the worst; we treat ourselves more charitably. Getting their intention wrong is costly: We assume bad character, assuming them of bad intention creates defensiveness, attributions can before self-fulling

2^nd: we don’t hear what they are really trying to say, we ignore the complexity of human motivations, and we aggravate to hostility—especially between groups. (don’t just focusing on clarifying your intention, listen to what they are really saying)

Avoiding the two mistakes:

1^st: disentangle impact and intention: hold your view as hypothesis; share the impact on you, inquire about their intentions, don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis, some defensiveness is inevitable

2^nd: listen for feelings, and reflect on your intentions. Listen past the accusation for feelings, be open to reflecting on the complexity of your intentions.

3. Abandon Blame: map the contribution system

·         Distinguish blame from contribution: blame is about judging, and looks backward, contribution is about understanding and look forward, contribution is joint and interactive

·         The cost of blame frame: when blame is the goal, understanding is casualty, focusing on blame hinders problem solving, blame can leave a bad system undiscovered.

·         The benefit of understanding contribution: contribution is easier to raise, encourages learning and change

·         Misconceptions about contribution: 1. I should only focus on my contribution; 2. Putting aside blame meaning putting aside my feelings; 3 exploring contribution means blaming the victim

·         Find your fair share: 1. Avoiding until now; 2. Being unapproachable; 3. Intersections; 4. Problematic role assumptions (limitations of common role assumptions such as “l(fā)eaders set strategy and subordinates implement it”)

·         Two tools for spotting contribution: role reversal and the observer’s insight (ask a third party)

·         Help them understand their contribution: make your observations and reasoning explicit; clarify what you would have them do differently

The feelings conversation

4. Have your feelings or they will have you

·         Don’t treat feelings as Gospel: Negotiate with them

·         Don’t vent, describe feelings carefully

§  Fame feelings back into the problem

§  express the full spectrum of your feelings

§  don’t evaluate- just share: express your feelings without judging, attributing, or blaming; don’t monopolize: both sides can have strong feelings at the same time; an easy reminder: say “I feel…”

·         The importance of acknowledgement

The identity conversation

5. Ground your identity: ask yourself what’s at stake

·         Difficult conversation threaten our identity: three core identities: am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?

·         An identity shake can knock us off balance

·         Vulnerable identities: the all or nothing syndrome, we let their feedback define who we are.

·         Ground your identity:

Step 1: be aware of your identity issues
Step 2: Complexify your identity (adopt the AND STANCE)

Step 3: Three things to accept about yourself: 1. You will make mistakes; 2. Your intentions are complex; 3. You have contributed to the problem

·         During the conversation: learn to regain your balance

Let go of trying to control their reaction

Prepare for their response

Imagine that it’s three months or 10 yrs later

Take a break

·         Their identity is also implicated

·         Raising identity issues explicitly: they may not care about your identity or it may help when both understands what the conversation is saying about themselves

·         Find the courage to ask for help

Create a learning conversation

6. What’s your purpose? When to raise it and when to let go

·         Working through the three conversations: think carefully about what you do know (your own feelings, your own experiences and story, your identity issues), and what you don't know (their intentions, their perspective, or feelings)

·         Three conversations that don’t make sense

Is the real conflict inside you?

Is there a better way to address the issue than talking about it?

Do you have purposes that make sense? Remember: you can’t change the other people (changes in behavior or attitude rarely come out of arguments, facts, and attempt to persuade. On the other side, engaging someone in a conversation where mutual learning is the goal often results in change. They are more likely to change if they think we understand them and if they fell heard and respected. They are more likely to change if they feel free not to); Don’t focus on short term relief at long term pain; Don’t hit and run

·         Letting Go

Adopt some liberating assumptions

It’s not my responsibility to make things better; it’s my responsibility to do my Best wishes;

They have their limitations too

This conflict is not who I am

Letting go doesn’t mean I no longer care

·         IF you raise it: three purpose that work

1. Learning their story

2. Expressing your views and feelings

3. Problem solving together

Stance and purpose go hand in hand

7. Getting started: begin from the third story

·         Why our typical opening don’t help: we begin inside our own story; we trigger their identity conversation from the start

·         Step 1. Begin from the third story

Think like a mediator

Not right or wrong, better or worse—just different

·         Step 2. Extend an invitation

Describe your purpose

Invite, don’t impose

Make them your partner in figuring it out

Be persistent

8. Listening: listen from the inside out

·         Listening transform the conversation: listening to them helps them listen to you

·         The stance of curiosity: how to listen from inside out

·         Three skills: inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgement

·         Inquiry to learn: don’t make statements disguised as questions (when we use these questions to express feelings or making request, the other person focuses on the sarcasm and the attack instead of hearing what we really want); don’t use questions to cross-examine (use open questions to ask for their reasoning); ask open ended questions; ask for more concrete information; ask questions about three conversations; make it safe for them not to answer

·         Paraphrase for clarity: check your understanding, show that you’ve heard

·         Acknowledge their feelings

o   Answer the invisible questions

o   How to acknowledge

o   Order matters: acknowledge before problem-solving

o   Acknowledge is not agreeing

9. Expression: Speak for yourself, with clarity and power

·         You are entitled

·         Speak the heart of the matter

o   Start with what matters most

o   Say what you mean: don’t make them guess; don't rely on subtext; avoid easing in; don’t make your story simplistic; use “me-Me” And

                (Easing in: try to soften a message by delivering it indirectly through hints and leading questions. However, easing in conveys three messages: I have a view; this is too embarrassing to discuss directly; I am not going to be straight with you. This will increase both sides’ anxiety and defensiveness. )

                (Me-Me And: you and the other person’s thoughts, opinion, feeling. The and stance recognize the various perceptions, feelings and assumptions.)

·         Telling your story with clarity: three guidelines:

o   don't present your conclusions as the truth

o   share where your conclusions come from

o   don’t exaggerate with “always” and “never”. Give room to change

·         Help them to understand you

10. Problem-solving: Take the lead

·         Reframe: translate what the other person said to concepts that are more helpful.

o   Truthà different stories

o   Accusationsà Intentions and impact

o   Blameà Contribution

o   Judgments; characterizationsà feelings

o   What’s wrong with youà what’s going on for them

·         IT is always the right time to listen: be persistent about listening

·         Name the dynamic: make the trouble explicit

·         Begin to problem solve

o   It takes two to agree

o   Gather information and test your perceptions

Propose a crafting a test

Say what is still missing

Say what would be persuade you

Ask what (if anything) would persuade them

Ask their advice

Invent options

Ask what standards should apply: the principle of mutual caretaking

If you still can’t agree, consider your alternatives

It takes time