演說(shuō)者：Esther Perel

演說(shuō)題目：如何讓長(zhǎng)期伴侶一直對(duì)你保持激情和欲望?

我們總是希望自己的長(zhǎng)期伴侶即是最好的朋友，也能保持性感魅力。但是艾絲特·佩雷爾提出，優(yōu)質(zhì)而且忠誠(chéng)的性愛(ài)會(huì)帶來(lái)兩種矛盾的需求：我們對(duì)安全的需求以及我們對(duì)驚喜的需求。那麼如何來(lái)維持欲望呢？通過(guò)這次充滿智慧、又極具說(shuō)服力的演講，佩雷爾讓我們瞭解到關(guān)于“愛(ài)欲商數(shù)”的秘密。

0:12

So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

0:43

(Laughter)

0:45

It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different?

0:53

These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. So I travel the globe, and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire. A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting — desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity — desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies.

1:32

You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term not because we want 14 children, for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it, and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty. This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.

2:03

So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need — men and women — for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise — you get the gist. For journey, for travel.

2:52

So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long.

3:25

(Laughter)

3:28

So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

3:54

(Laughter)

3:56

(Applause)

4:00

So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? Because I think, in some way — and I'll come back to that — but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.

4:13

So why does good sex so often fade? What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.

4:25

So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's 'to have.' And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is 'to want.' In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. You know? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.

5:19

But then I took a question with me. And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years with 'Mating in Captivity,' and I asked people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn. And across culture, across religion, and across gender — except for one — there are a few answers that just keep coming back.

5:41

So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, when my imagination comes back in the picture, and when I can root it in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire.

6:10

But then the second group is even more interesting. I am most drawn to my partner when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about, when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, when I see her hold court. Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident. Probably the biggest turn-on across the board. Radiant, as in self-sustaining. I look at this person — by the way, in desire people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one, five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.

6:49

But it's also not when the other person is that far apart that you no longer see them. It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan, lies that movement toward the other. Because sometimes, as Proust says, mystery is not about traveling to new places, but it's about looking with new eyes. And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own, doing something in which they are enveloped, I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception, and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.

7:38

And then, more importantly, in this description about the other or myself — it's the same — what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody. There is no caretaking in desire. Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

7:57

(Laughter)

7:58

I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on by somebody who needs them. Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shot down and women have known that forever, because anything that will bring up parenthood will usually decrease the erotic charge.

8:12

(Laughter)

8:14

For good reasons, right?

8:15

And then the third group of answers usually would be: when I'm surprised, when we laugh together, as somebody said to me in the office today, when he's in his tux, so I said, you know, it's either the tux or the cowboy boots. But basically it's when there is novelty. But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen?

8:45

Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others. So where do you go in sex? What parts of you do you connect to? What do you seek to express there? Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union? Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive? Is it a place where you can finally surrender and not have to take responsibility for everything? Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes? What comes out there? It's a language. It isn't just a behavior. And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in, which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.

9:30

You know, animals have sex. It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct. We are the only ones who have an erotic life, which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. We are the only ones who can make love for hours, have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it. We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it. We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation, which is a mortar to desire. The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening, to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening and everything is happening, at the same time.

10:14

So when I began to think about eroticism, I began to think about the poetics of sex. And if I look at it as an intelligence, then it's something that you cultivate. What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery. But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.

10:37

But more importantly, for me to begin to understand who are the couples who have an erotic spark, what sustains desire, I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism, the mystical definition, and I went through it through a bifurcation by looking, actually, at trauma, which is the other side. And I looked at it, looking at the community that I had grown up in, which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, and in my community, there were two groups: those who didn't die, and those who came back to life. And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground, could not experience pleasure, could not trust, because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure, you can't lift your head to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. Those who came back to life were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. They knew how to keep themselves alive. And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, I sometimes would hear people say, 'I want more sex,' but generally, people want better sex, and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of Eros, of energy that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped it would afford them.

11:58

And so I began to ask a different question. 'I shut myself off when ...' began to be the question. 'I turn off my desires when ...' Which is not the same question as, 'What turns me off is ...' and 'You turn me off when ...' And people began to say, 'I turn myself off when I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body, when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself, when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you, when I don't perform well at work, when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth, when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take, to receive pleasure.'

12:36

And then I began to ask the reverse question. 'I turn myself on when ...' Because most of the time, people like to ask the question, 'You turn me on, what turns me on,' and I'm out of the question, you know? Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's. It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.

12:54

(Laughter)

12:56

So I turn myself on when, I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

13:02

Now, in this paradox between love and desire, what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients that nurture love — mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry, responsibility for the other — are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire. Because desire comes with a host of feelings that are not always such favorites of love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness, mischief. Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day. You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct. If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses, we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.

13:53

(Laughter)

13:54

But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love, because we think love comes with selflessness and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word: the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

14:16

So I want to draw that little image for you, because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs, we are born with that. Our need for connection, our need for separateness, or our need for security and adventure, or our need for togetherness and for autonomy, and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable, and at some point all of us need to go out into the world to discover and to explore. That's the beginning of desire, that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery. And then at some point they turn around and they look at you. And if you tell them, 'Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it. There's so much fun out there,' then they can turn away and they can experience connection and separateness at the same time. They can go off in their imagination, off in their body, off in their playfulness, all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.

15:15

But if on this side there is somebody who says, 'I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long. What's so good out there? Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?' then there are a few little reactions that all of us can pretty much recognize. Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago, and that little child who comes back is the child who will forgo a part of himself in order not to lose the other. I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. And I will learn to love in a certain way that will become burdened with extra worry and extra responsibility and extra protection, and I won't know how to leave you in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure, in order to discover, to enter inside myself.

16:09

Translate this into adult language. It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives up to the end. Child number two comes back but looks like that over their shoulder all the time. 'Are you going to be there? Are you going to curse me, scold me? Are you going to be angry with me?' And they may be gone, but they're never really away. And those are often the people that will tell you, 'In the beginning, it was super hot.' Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong that it actually led to the decrease of desire. The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt, the less I was able to let go in your presence. The third child doesn't really come back.

16:55

So what happens, if you want to sustain desire, it's that real dialectic piece. On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go. On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure, you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm, you don't get excited because you spend your time in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.

17:17

So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs, there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do. One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. They understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them. They also understand that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm. They also understand that an erotic space isn't about, you begin to stroke the other. It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc., maybe where you leave the Agile program —

17:55

(Laughter)

17:57

And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen who is taking care of things and being responsible.

18:04

Responsibility and desire just butt heads. They don't really do well together. Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes. It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses. But what they know is they know how to resurrect it. They know how to bring it back. And they know how to bring it back because they have demystified one big myth, which is the myth of spontaneity, which is that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.

18:42

Committed sex is premeditated sex. It's willful. It's intentional. It's focus and presence.

18:51

Merry Valentine's.

18:52

(Applause)0:12

為何性愛(ài)的激情那么容易褪色？ 就算是那些愛(ài)得如膠似漆的夫婦也無(wú)一例外。 為何親密的愛(ài)情也無(wú)法維持激情的色彩呢？ 這和我們普遍對(duì)性生活與愛(ài)情的關(guān)系的認(rèn)知相違背。 或者說(shuō)，換第二個(gè)問(wèn)題: 我們能留住我們現(xiàn)有的性生活頻率嗎？ 這可是個(gè)很值得研究的問(wèn)題，對(duì)吧? 再者，為什么偷腥會(huì)令人如此激情彭拜? 又是什么東西令人在偷嘗云雨之情時(shí)有如此旺盛的性欲呢？ 又是為何性愛(ài)孕育了兒女 而兒女卻最終反過(guò)來(lái)卻成為夫妻性愛(ài)的災(zāi)難呢？ 這對(duì)于性欲可是種致命的打擊，不是么？ 還有，當(dāng)你愛(ài)時(shí)，你有什么感受? 并且當(dāng)你產(chǎn)生欲望時(shí)，這種感受又會(huì)有什么不同的變化?

0:53

這些都是 我今天想要探討的問(wèn)題 ——-探索現(xiàn)代愛(ài)情中人類的原始性沖動(dòng) 和其伴隨而來(lái)的困境 為了這一研究，我去了很多國(guó)家 而我注意到 凡是浪漫的國(guó)度 都面臨著性欲消退的危機(jī)。 欲望消退危機(jī)——正如我們的需要一樣, 性欲作為我們對(duì)自身個(gè)體的表達(dá)： 是對(duì)于我們的自由選擇、偏好和身份的一種需要 性欲已經(jīng)成為 現(xiàn)代愛(ài)情和崇尚個(gè)人主義的社會(huì)的核心概念

1:32

要知道，這是人類歷史上首次 我們長(zhǎng)期體驗(yàn)性愛(ài) 不是為了生一大堆孩子,比如說(shuō)14個(gè)。 ——-或許我們部分人可能要生養(yǎng)育更多，以防很多可能會(huì)夭折， 也不是源于女人生兒育女的天職。 人類第一次將我需要性的觀點(diǎn)超越了僅僅是體內(nèi)的性欲在作怪 是因?yàn)樾詯?ài)能給人們帶來(lái)愉悅和穩(wěn)定的關(guān)系。

2:03

那么,究竟是什么在維持著人的性欲?而維持性欲為何又這么難呢？ 要維持夫妻關(guān)系中的性欲的關(guān)鍵 我認(rèn)為在于協(xié)調(diào)兩種人類的基本需求。 一方面，是我們對(duì)安全、可預(yù)測(cè)性、 安全感、可靠性、可依賴感和對(duì)永恒的需要。 所有這些生活中能為我們提供所需的厚實(shí)而安穩(wěn)的體驗(yàn)的地方 就是我們所說(shuō)的'家'。 但同時(shí), 無(wú)論男女, 我們,還有另一種強(qiáng)烈的需要 —-那就是對(duì)冒險(xiǎn)，對(duì)新奇事物，神秘、危險(xiǎn)、風(fēng)險(xiǎn) 以及對(duì)未知有的、預(yù)料之外和驚喜的渴望。 我的意思是我們喜歡出游，旅行 這就意味著在一段關(guān)系中，要協(xié)調(diào)我們對(duì)安穩(wěn)感的需求 和對(duì)獵奇的需要， 我們今天稱之為 “有激情的婚姻” 過(guò)去曾是相互矛盾的的兩個(gè)方面 婚姻曾經(jīng)是一種經(jīng)濟(jì)制度 你可以從中獲得某種合作關(guān)系, 它一般以孩子，社會(huì)地位 繼承權(quán)以及同伴的形式出現(xiàn)。 可如今，我們?cè)谙Ｍ覀兊陌閭H可以繼續(xù)提供這些的同時(shí) 又要求他們成為我們的知己 做我們可交心的伴侶和激情四射的情人 甚至還想長(zhǎng)生不老呢 （笑聲） 所以,當(dāng)我碰到我們的另一半時(shí)，我們簡(jiǎn)直在向?qū)Ψ揭?給我們這些過(guò)去原本一整個(gè)村莊才能提供的東西： 如財(cái)產(chǎn)，名份，至死不渝的忠貞愛(ài)情, 同時(shí)你還得讓我覺(jué)得你是卓爾不群，有神秘感和有敬畏心。 安撫我的同時(shí)帶給我刺激。 給我新鮮感的同時(shí)又要保持親密。 讓我過(guò)安穩(wěn)的日子的同時(shí)還要能給我驚喜。 多數(shù)人認(rèn)為這是奉獻(xiàn)，性玩具和性感睡衣就能解決這些問(wèn)題。 （掌聲）

3:59

現(xiàn)在我們應(yīng)該說(shuō)清楚性愛(ài)激情的現(xiàn)實(shí)部分了,對(duì)吧? 我覺(jué)得，從某種角度講— 一會(huì)我們?cè)贂?huì)回到這個(gè)話題 其實(shí)欲望危機(jī)就是想象力的危機(jī)。

4:13

那么為什么美妙的性愛(ài)體驗(yàn)容易消散呢？ 愛(ài)和欲之間的聯(lián)系到底是什么呢？ 它們是怎樣聯(lián)系起來(lái)的，又是怎么相互沖突的呢？ 橫亙?cè)谶@兩者之間的是性欲的奧秘。

4:25

如果要我用一個(gè)動(dòng)詞來(lái)描述愛(ài)，那就是“擁有' 而對(duì)于性欲,我想用'索求'來(lái)描述最恰當(dāng)不過(guò)了。 在愛(ài)情中，我們想要擁有，我們想要了解我們的愛(ài)人 我們想膩在一起，想跨越阻礙 我們想調(diào)和不安的情緒，我們想親密無(wú)間。 而在性欲方面，我們不想回到我們已經(jīng)經(jīng)歷過(guò)的地方。 過(guò)時(shí)的結(jié)論提不起我們的興趣。 在性欲方面，我們想找的是我們的另一半，一個(gè)在彼岸,一個(gè)我們想去探索的另一半。 一個(gè)我們想呆在一起的另一半 和一個(gè)我們能探索其癮秘的內(nèi)心世界的另一半 在性欲中，我們想找的是一座溝通的橋梁。 換言之，“一個(gè)巴掌拍不響啊” 性欲也需要空間。 這樣說(shuō)或許有點(diǎn)抽象吧。

5:19

帶著一個(gè)問(wèn)題 幾年間我?guī)е?Mating in Captivity' 這本書走訪了20多個(gè)國(guó)家 每到一處，我都會(huì)問(wèn)人們: '你什么時(shí)候最喜歡和愛(ài)人呆在一起？' 我說(shuō)的是呆在一起而不是一起性愛(ài) 來(lái)自不同文化、不同地區(qū)、不同性別的人 除一個(gè)有點(diǎn)例外，其它人給我的回答不外如是

5:41

第一組：最想和愛(ài)人在一起的時(shí)候 是愛(ài)人不在身邊的時(shí)候、是分開(kāi)的時(shí)候或是小別重逢時(shí)。 也就是，當(dāng)我能用我的想象力 想像我和愛(ài)人在一起的時(shí)候， 當(dāng)我的想像力能回到這方面來(lái)的時(shí)候， 當(dāng)愛(ài)人不在而我又想要的時(shí)候 這就是性欲的主要組成部分 然而，另一組回答更有趣。 我最想和愛(ài)人在一起的時(shí)候 是當(dāng)我看到他在錄影棚工作、在舞臺(tái)上表演的時(shí)候、 當(dāng)他在做正經(jīng)事的時(shí)候、當(dāng)他在做她感興趣的事情的時(shí)候， 當(dāng)我看到他在party上謎倒一大堆人的時(shí)候 當(dāng)她開(kāi)庭的時(shí)候。 一般而言，當(dāng)我看到我的愛(ài)人光芒四射而又自信的時(shí)候 這就是最大的刺激物了。 光芒四射，在自我維系中也如此。 在欲望中， 我看這個(gè)人 人們很少談?wù)撨@些, 當(dāng)我們粘在一起的時(shí)候 也就是相隔5厘米左右的時(shí)候—-說(shuō)實(shí)在的我不知道是幾厘米 但是,這種分別并不是說(shuō)相隔太遠(yuǎn) 以至于以后都不能相見(jiàn)。 而是我能在一個(gè)比較合適的距離看著我愛(ài)的人 那個(gè)我熟悉和相知的， 還帶有點(diǎn)神秘,有點(diǎn)難以捉摸的人。 我和愛(ài)人之間的距離成了一條性欲的紐帶 也造成了我們的相互走動(dòng) 因?yàn)橛袝r(shí)候，正如Proust說(shuō)的那樣 發(fā)現(xiàn)奧秘不一定要到一個(gè)新的地方去， 而只要我們有新視角就行。 所以，當(dāng)我們看到我們的另一半獨(dú)自 在忙自己的事的時(shí)候。 看著他我會(huì)對(duì)他有一種新的了解和認(rèn)識(shí)， 而我對(duì)我身過(guò)的一些奧秘是常懷著關(guān)注之情的。

7:38

更重要的是，對(duì)別人的了解 或者對(duì)自己的了解, 都一樣. 最有趣的是，這不需要性欲。 沒(méi)有誰(shuí)需要誰(shuí)。 性欲不存在誰(shuí)照顧誰(shuí)的問(wèn)題。 照顧是一種了不起的大愛(ài)，是一種強(qiáng)大的崔情藥 我還看到一些人的性欲 是被那些需要他們的人喚起的 想要是一回事，但需要會(huì)令人性趣索然 這點(diǎn)女人最清楚了， 因?yàn)槿魏文感杂嘘P(guān)的東西 都會(huì)降低性欲。 很有道理，是不是?

8:15

第三類回答是: 當(dāng)我感到驚喜時(shí)，當(dāng)我們一起大笑時(shí)會(huì)性趣大發(fā)， 比如說(shuō)，今天有人在我的辦公室告訴我， 當(dāng)他穿著無(wú)尾半正式晚禮服時(shí)最有感覺(jué)了 其實(shí)性欲與晚禮服或牛仔靴無(wú)關(guān) 而是與獵奇有關(guān)。 但新奇并不只意味著新的體位，也不是五花八門的性愛(ài)技巧 新奇是,你將自已的哪一面展現(xiàn)出來(lái)？ 你的哪一面你的愛(ài)人熟悉？ 因?yàn)樵谀撤N程度上，我們會(huì)說(shuō) 性交并不專指性交活動(dòng)，對(duì)吧? 性交過(guò)程其實(shí)像你在去一個(gè)地方 是一個(gè)進(jìn)入自己或?qū)Ψ襟w內(nèi)的過(guò)程。 因此，性交時(shí)何去何從？ 你們身體的哪一部分有接觸? 你們想在那里表達(dá)些什么？ 那是一個(gè)表現(xiàn)性愛(ài)技巧和精神合一的地方嗎？ 那是一個(gè)俏皮掏蛋的地方呢還是一個(gè)略帶點(diǎn)侵略性質(zhì)的地方呢？ 還是一個(gè)你最后放棄 不想負(fù)責(zé)任的地方呢? 它是不是一個(gè)你可以表達(dá)你孩子氣的地方呢？ 性愛(ài)到底是什么？ 其實(shí)性交是一種語(yǔ)言。 不是一種行為。 而我，正是對(duì)這一充滿詩(shī)意的性交語(yǔ)言感興趣 這就是為什么我要探討'性商'這一概念。

9:30

要知道，動(dòng)物也性交。 而動(dòng)物的性交是傳宗接代的，是生物的，是一種自然的天性。 人類是唯一過(guò)性生活的物種， 所謂性生活完全是人類想象出來(lái)的東西 人類也是唯一能持續(xù)幾個(gè)小時(shí)做愛(ài) 有幸福時(shí)光，有多次高潮 而沒(méi)有身體撫摸的動(dòng)物，因?yàn)槿祟惸芟胂蟪鲞@些東西。 我們可以用意念來(lái)交歡，根本就不用直接的身體接觸。 我們能體驗(yàn)強(qiáng)大的性期待 那可是性欲的動(dòng)機(jī)， 能想得到的，它就可以是發(fā)生的 能體驗(yàn)到好像正在發(fā)生的，而實(shí)際上卻沒(méi)發(fā)生任何事 所有這些都可以同時(shí)發(fā)生 所以，當(dāng)我想到性興奮時(shí)， 我就會(huì)想到性愛(ài)的美妙。 而如果我把它看作一種“智商” 那么，它就應(yīng)該是你應(yīng)該培養(yǎng)的東西。 性商包括什么呢？想象力、情趣、 新鮮感、好奇心和神秘感。 但其核心是想象力。

10:37

但更重要的是，如果說(shuō)我要弄清楚 哪些夫婦有性火花， 什么東西方維系著性愛(ài), 我必須得回顧一下 性愛(ài)的最原始的定義, 這一最神秘的定義，我經(jīng)歷過(guò)的 以一種分岐，通過(guò)創(chuàng)傷來(lái)看 這就是另一面，讓我來(lái)看看 看看我成長(zhǎng)的社區(qū) 那是一個(gè)在比利時(shí)的社區(qū)，所有人都是大屠殺的幸存者 在這個(gè)社區(qū)里，有兩類人： 一類是沒(méi)有死過(guò)的，另一類是死后重生的 那些沒(méi)死過(guò)的人一般都很現(xiàn)實(shí) 無(wú)法體會(huì)快感，不信任人 因?yàn)樗麄冞^(guò)于謹(jǐn)慎、杞人憂天、焦慮 沒(méi)有安全感，不能自信地 在性愛(ài)中解放自我，沒(méi)有情趣，沒(méi)安全感也缺乏想象力。 那些劫后余生的人 他們把性事當(dāng)作忘卻死亡的解藥。 他們知道怎樣讓自己活下去。 當(dāng)我聽(tīng)到我的那些無(wú)性生活的同事的故事時(shí) 有時(shí)我聽(tīng)到別人說(shuō)：我想要更多的性生活。 但很多時(shí)候，人們更在意性生活的質(zhì)量, 最好的是能過(guò)傳統(tǒng)意義上性生活能提供給他們的活力、 新鮮感、動(dòng)感、和充滿動(dòng)力的性愛(ài) 或者他們希望 能得到這性愛(ài)。

11:58

所以，我會(huì)問(wèn)另一個(gè)問(wèn)題： 我何時(shí)不會(huì)有性欲。 我何時(shí)會(huì)壓制自已的性欲。 是什么令我毫無(wú)性欲。你何時(shí)令我性欲全無(wú)。 人們會(huì)回答說(shuō)：當(dāng)我心死時(shí)、當(dāng)我不再喜歡我自己的身體時(shí) 我對(duì)性也就沒(méi)有任何興趣了。 當(dāng)我感覺(jué)自己老了，當(dāng)我沒(méi)有自己的時(shí)間了， 當(dāng)我沒(méi)機(jī)會(huì)和你去開(kāi)房時(shí)， 當(dāng)我工作毫無(wú)業(yè)績(jī)可言時(shí)， 當(dāng)我沒(méi)有了自尊、當(dāng)我覺(jué)得沒(méi)有了個(gè)人價(jià)值時(shí)， 當(dāng)我覺(jué)得我已經(jīng)沒(méi)有權(quán)力去想，去獲得 和去接受這種快感受時(shí)

12:35

然后，我會(huì)反過(guò)來(lái)問(wèn)： 我何時(shí)會(huì)性趣大發(fā)。因?yàn)楹芏鄷r(shí)候 人們喜歡問(wèn)這類問(wèn)題：你令我興奮 什么使我興奮? 我不可能興奮的，對(duì)吧？ 但如果你已經(jīng)心死了，你的另一半可以為你們的情人節(jié)做很多事啊！ 沒(méi)有人知道的， 前臺(tái)沒(méi)有人呢。 （笑聲） 所以，我讓自己興奮 我喚醒自己的性欲，我起來(lái)時(shí)。。。

13:02

在愛(ài)與欲這對(duì)矛盾體里 令人不解的是那些滋潤(rùn)著愛(ài)的養(yǎng)分——— 相依相伴、互惠、 愛(ài)護(hù)有加、擔(dān)心、和為對(duì)方肩負(fù)起來(lái)的責(zé)任 這些東西有時(shí)也會(huì)抑制性欲。 因?yàn)?，性欲?lái)自于一系列的 并非全是愛(ài)的情感： 比如說(shuō)妒忌、占有欲、冒犯、權(quán)力、支配 俏皮、搗蛋等等。 一般來(lái)說(shuō)，大多數(shù)人晚上都會(huì)有性興奮 其實(shí)白天也一樣可能會(huì)有性興奮 性想法在政治上不算很合適 如果每個(gè)人都能躺在床上想著滿床的玖瑰 那我們今天就沒(méi)有必要來(lái)聽(tīng)這個(gè)演講了。 但其實(shí)并不然，在我們心底的某個(gè)角落, 有著一些我們不知道的東西 不知道怎么樣將這些東西告訴我們的愛(ài)人， 這是因?yàn)?，我們認(rèn)為愛(ài)是自私的， 而性欲在很大程度上出于我們的自私 如果說(shuō)非得這么說(shuō)的話 自私就是和別人在一起的時(shí)候 只顧自我的感受。

14:15

所以，讓我稍為概括一下 因?yàn)檫@需要調(diào)和一下我們與生俱來(lái)的東西 這兩種需要。 也就是聯(lián)系的需要，分離的需要 或者安全和冒險(xiǎn)的需要 團(tuán)聚的需要、自我管理的需要 如果你想像一下，有個(gè)小孩坐在你大腿上 他舒服地坐在那里，既安全又舒適 而在某種程度上，我們每個(gè)人都需要走出去 去發(fā)現(xiàn)、去探索. 這就是性欲的來(lái)源, 探索需要好奇心和發(fā)現(xiàn)。 然后，在某時(shí)，他們會(huì)轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身來(lái)問(wèn)看著你， 如果你對(duì)他們說(shuō)： “嘿，老兄，這個(gè)世界太美妙了，去享受它吧” 那兒有太多樂(lè)趣了。 然后他們會(huì)去探索，同時(shí)去體驗(yàn) 團(tuán)聚和分離。 他們會(huì)開(kāi)動(dòng)想象力和調(diào)動(dòng)他們的身體 動(dòng)起嬉鬧的念想，想著 回至家時(shí)愛(ài)人在等待。

15:15

但也有人會(huì)說(shuō)： 我很擔(dān)心、我很焦慮、我感到無(wú)比壓抑 我和愛(ài)人很久都不理不睬了。 那里有什么好呢？我們兩人在一起不就什么都有了嗎？ 就你和我？ 這就會(huì)引起一引起小反應(yīng) 我們很多人都能識(shí)別 我們有些人會(huì)回到從前，很久很久以前 那些想要回到從前的小孩 就是那些想放棄部分自我的小孩 為了不失去對(duì)方 要想不失去愛(ài)，我就得失去自由 而我又得學(xué)會(huì)用某種方式去愛(ài) 這會(huì)導(dǎo)致我們過(guò)度擔(dān)心、 過(guò)大的責(zé)任和過(guò)度的保護(hù)而不堪重負(fù) 而我又不知道怎么放手 讓你去享受、去體驗(yàn)快感， 讓你去發(fā)現(xiàn)，去進(jìn)入我的內(nèi)心世界 這要用成年人的語(yǔ)言來(lái)理解。 性欲從我們很小時(shí)候就有，它會(huì)陪我們進(jìn)入我們的性生活期 直至我們老死。 第二個(gè)孩子回來(lái) 但伏在他們的肩上。 你快到了嗎？ 你會(huì)詛罵我嗎？你會(huì)責(zé)備我嗎？ 你會(huì)生我的氣嗎？ 這些或許都不見(jiàn)了，但他們永遠(yuǎn)都不會(huì)遠(yuǎn)離， 這些就是人們常會(huì)和你說(shuō)的 開(kāi)始時(shí)會(huì)很狂熱。 因?yàn)閯傞_(kāi)始時(shí)，親密感 還沒(méi)有這么強(qiáng)烈 而恰恰是親密會(huì)削弱性欲。 聯(lián)系越緊密，覺(jué)得責(zé)任越大 越不會(huì)放手讓你走 第三個(gè)孩子不會(huì)真正的回來(lái)

16:55

那會(huì)怎樣？如果你想保持性欲 這是一種真正的辯證法。 一方面，為了享受性愛(ài)，你需要安全感。 另一方面，如果你沒(méi)有性愛(ài)，你不會(huì)享受到快感， 不會(huì)有性亢奮，不會(huì)有高潮 你不會(huì)興奮，因?yàn)槟慊ㄌ嗟臅r(shí)間在別人的身體上 或心理上，而忽略了自己的身體和想法。

17:17

因此，在妥協(xié)的兩難中， 這兩種基本的需要， 讓我解理了性福夫婦的一些做法。 首先，他們有很多性癮私。 他們明白各人都應(yīng)該有 各自的空間。 他們也清楚前戲并不是 你在性交前5分鐘所做的事。 前戲應(yīng)該從你上一次高潮結(jié)束之后就開(kāi)始了。 他們同時(shí)也明白，性愛(ài)空間并不是 你開(kāi)始撫摸對(duì)方 性愛(ài)是指你開(kāi)設(shè)一個(gè)空間，就象經(jīng)營(yíng)一間大公司一樣 在那里有你靈活的管理計(jì)劃。 （笑聲） 而你實(shí)際上只進(jìn)入那個(gè)地方 然后像個(gè)好市民一樣停下來(lái) 誰(shuí)來(lái)處理這些問(wèn)題，誰(shuí)來(lái)為這負(fù)責(zé)任。 責(zé)任和性欲倆都只能硬碰硬 他們不會(huì)合作。 有性福的夫婦也明白，激情會(huì)慢慢退化。 性欲這東西就很像月亮一樣有陰晴圓缺。 但是，他們知道怎么恢復(fù)它。 他們知道怎么樣讓它再美滿起來(lái)。 他們能這樣做是 因?yàn)樗麄兇蚱屏艘粋€(gè)神話 那個(gè)自然說(shuō)的神話， 性欲可能會(huì)在你的折疊衣物時(shí)突然出現(xiàn) 就像從天而降一樣，豪無(wú)征兆，而事實(shí)上，他們明白 無(wú)論發(fā)生什么 在一個(gè)長(zhǎng)期的關(guān)系中

18:42

有承諾的性愛(ài)是有預(yù)謀的性愛(ài) 是自愿的、你情我愿的 是投入的和確實(shí)存在的

18:50

情人節(jié)快樂(lè)

18:52

(掌聲）

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